Ramblings of a Servant Heart (Part 2)

I'm approaching the 9 month mark of being back State side and I'd be lying if I said that Romania isn't constantly on my mind.  So I decided to start blogging again and ramble about what's been going on in my life and what my future plans are.  

Since my return, I've been praying and thinking about when I'd be going back.  I know the Lord is calling me back there and I have my VISA (which is a large part of knowing I'm being called back to serve those beautiful people).  The BIG question is when...
I have a family reunion in June so I knew I wouldn't go back until after that.  My lovely cousin/bff is getting married in October so returning in between the reunion and her saying "I do" didn't seem logical since I would need to raise more money for a shorter amount of time.  At this point, do I wait until after Thanksgiving?  If I wait until Thanksgiving, I might as well wait until after Christmas right?  If I wait until after Christmas, I should just plan on going after the 1st of the year...But I don't feel at peace about waiting that long.  So overwhelming.  

Here's a bit of sunshine in the midst of the rain I've been experiencing.  I was able to spend a lot of time with Outstretched Hands of Romania board members and team members in April and found so much encouragement during that time.  I was reunited with one of my roommates and cannot wait to get back and work alongside her and so many others to bring the Gospel to my gypsy brothers and sisters.  I was also able to meet up with two of the Norwegians I got to know and work with during my time in Romania.  I was able to open up and candidly talk about my struggles (and triumphs too!) with everyone and received so much encouragement that I was able to fix my eyes on the problem solver instead of my problems.

**I feel I need to be transparent with all of you too, like I was with all of them, so this next part isn't the best part of me, but it is a part that will ultimately show and glorify how great a God I serve.**

Knowing I'm going to return, I decided to start fundraising again.  This has been a much slower process than I was anticipating and because of that, has made me question on numerous occasions that I'm actually being called back.  I've done a couple of small fundraisers, some of which I did last time, that have proven to be more work than the funds I'm receiving in return.  Doubt and fear begin to run my thoughts and a feeling of helplessness sets in.  What am I doing wrong?  Why is this so much harder than last time?  How can I not clearly hear what the Lord is telling me?  STOP!  These are NOT feelings and thoughts from my Savior.  I know it...I can feel a shift in my entire being when this happens.  I break down.  I cry out. 
 
The last break down, the Lord set me straight.  He reaffirmed the path He wants me on and it is to return to Romania for at least a year.  He also called me out...I'm not trusting Him.  I'm relying on my own strength to figure this out and come up with the funds needed.  You know those "Could of had a V8" commercials when the person gets a hand to the forehead...I had one of those moments with the Lord, and it wasn't because I'm not eating enough vegetables.  (Here's a link if you don't know what I'm talking about: https://youtu.be/PUPdW3ba6F4)
Let me set the stage: I had a meltdown after finishing one of my fundraisers and the feeling of defeat was overwhelming.  "I give up! I'm doing something wrong and I just don't get it.  I really don't think the Lord wants me back there anymore.  I must have missed my window of opportunity."  
A few weeks before I started this particular fundraiser, I felt the Lord tell me I wasn't trusting Him enough and I needed to stop trying to entice people to support what and where He was calling me...I was limiting Him and them.  Now after the Lord told me this, I shared with my mom and a handful of other people.  I continued to do my 3 little fundraisers and when I completed the cup fundraiser is when I was ready to throw in the towel.  It was my dear mother that reminded me what the Lord spoke to me.
This is when, instead of a "V8" moment, I had a "The Lord already told you what the outcome would be, you should start listening-hand to the forehead" moment.  What a humbling experience.  My mom and I had a nice conversation and that afternoon the Lord provided me with open doors, an opportunity to raise funds in a way that will allow me to share my heart (stay tuned for more info on this as He paves the way), and most importantly affirmation that I will be going back. 

My lesson in all of this is to trust.  I must humble myself before God and before all of you.  I have a lofty goal of $10,000 with an additional amount of $750 of monthly support.  It can be done and I'm fully trusting that as I listen to what the Lord is telling me, He will continue to provide. 

Not only do I have the obvious financial need, but I could really use prayer.  Prayer that I would continue to seek the Lord's plan and not my own.  Prayer that I would be pressing in to the Lord for strength and not doing it all on my own.  Prayer that I'd have the courage to step out in faith and ask people to support me.  Prayer that I would continue to praise Him and glorify Him through the ups and the downs.  And I could especially use prayer about the timing as I'm not at peace with a date yet.



God Bless & Love you all!
xx-Becky  

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